It’s no wonder.
Posted on July 14, 2008
Filed Under Uncategorized | 3 Comments
Sometimes I can be a real control freak. I try to keep it in the fun, healthy, kinky way…but sometimes I know I cross that line. I also struggle sometimes with maintaining the ‘proper’ level of emotional involvement. When I was younger, more willing or able to ignore the obvious, I used to wonder why.
A couple of days ago I got an email from my father. I’d sent him one about his business website that resides on my server, miscellaneous stuff about the move. His reply:
There was a long paragraph about some financial issues he’s having.
A blank line.
“How are you and C.?”.
A blank line. Then
“I’ve talked to [Name of youngest brother here]. He is in a panic about the arrangements for [Name of other brother- the tattler- here] wedding rehearsel dinner and the honeymoon plans. I guess he has decided to take over coordination for all of that…and he seems to be stressed out about it. Unfortunately, I am in such a desparate situation right now that I am unable to help. ”
A blank line.
“Stay in touch.”
“BTW- have you had time to work on [insert random free work request here]?”
“I love you very much!”
and his standard email signature
Now, he’s talking about my 24 and 25 year old brothers. And about the wedding he’s known of for a year, which is in three weeks. My calls to the groom over the last few weeks have gone unanswered and my offers for help over the last year completly unused. But after deciphering the real message of the email (I’ve crapped out, help your brothers) and calling them both … ugh. Confirmed my fears, my parents haven’t done their part, my brothers haven’t done it either…and the rehearsal dinner for nearly 50 people isn’t set up- no reservations, no catering, not even confirmed guests. And, being sweet and 24 and sentimental, the brother put in charge of it is trying to worry about the unplanned/un-budgeted honeymoon, instead. Meanwhile my parents are guilt-tripping the couple about the cost, to which they are contributing very little, and well…so much more. It’s all too much drama to get into, suffice to say. But, the email above about sums up my father’s idea of parental responsibility. Roll that back 25 years or so and it equals moving home to the states from Europe and being here for nine months before sending me a postcard.
I was so angry. Am. So. Angry. I thought about calling over the mimbo for a trial whipping but know that for the moment I would be unsafe with an instrument of pain in hand. I am glad I know when I’ve crossed that line, but not at all glad that line exists.
Lunches with the exes
Posted on July 12, 2008
Filed Under a fine romance, bad dates, dating, internal dialog, mental health, past relationships | 1 Comment
The last few weeks have been soo … emotionally dramatic. I keep trying to blog about them and ending up with these long messes that don’t even make sense to me. I’ve done a lot of personal introspection and that’s too hard to blog about for now, I’m still distilling. And of course, as always happens when I try and move on, purge and renew, some of my exes made appearances.
When things ended/but didn’t end with p., I was planning a final trip to see him before he moved to MA. We’d been talking about it on and off for a long time. He’d promised specifically, not to cancell last minute, or make up excuses; just to let things happen. I had arranged my daughter’s yearly visit with her grandparents to coincide with the two weeks before he moved. He knew, within a few day period with allowances for his work time, when I was arriving- I chose not to share my specific arrival because of his past cancellations …always the night before I was to come. I made the mistake of talking to him online within that time period and he went from being so excited he couldn’t contain himself to using the safewords I’d given him to totally end the relationship in about 3 minutes. (of course the next week he was back apologizing, rinse, repeat)
Yes. I have spent yet another of my yearly breaks at home. Instead of doing what I’d planned to do with and to p.. But this post isn’t about him, since I’m not posting about him anymore (right- you are welcome to all roll your eyes at this point). The explanation was just necessary to set up why and how that led to boredom and something bad…. A moment of weakness.
For those of you who may remember I started my foot fetish work and immediately got a request for an appointment from L.; who then didn’t stop emailing me until I had to say something nasty to him. He later replied that he totally understood and apologized. You may also remember that he had a bracelet I’d left with him in a previous moment of weakness a few years ago, when I realized what a bad idea it had been and tried to sneak out while he was asleep. It was from my grandmother’s estate and he knew this; but didn’t know it had never been worn and had spent 40 years in a closet- it had no real value, sentimental or otherwise. We’d gotten into a nasty fight not long after that unsuccessful sneaking out, and I’d told him to keep it in an effort to make a clean break. Being very sentimental, he wouldn’t let it die and kept using it as a means to keep contact with me until I’d been successful in losing his efforts to find me. Until, that is, the foot fetish site. Anyway. Back to the moment of weakness. I emailed him to see if he wanted to go to lunch. I’d been introspective and hoped he had reached a stable enough mental point that I could ask him some questions, seek some closure for myself. I wanted to get back the bracelet and remove any further reason to keep contact with me. And if I am honest with myself, was really really horny AND wanted to tie him up tight and enjoy myself with him one last time before asking him those questions. I know. Bad idea.
He accepted my invitation as quickly as I knew he would. He told me he’d just been laid off again (had lost his job not long after we broke up), and was still fighting his depression and anxiety, starting a new medication that weekend. I decided to assess the situation over lunch before involving ropes…I’d already offered and had it accepted. I wore strappy sandals and his favorite color of polish, but tried to not dress up too much- just a white summer skirt and tee-shirt. We met and it was clear he’d been crying. Hugged and …whew. That was hard for both of us. We spent almost five hours sitting there catching up, flirting and making our old private jokes like it hadn’t been four years, but tiptoeing around it. Bittersweet. His hands shook, and there were moments I thought he might break down…and we weren’t talking about anything too deep. I’d mention my daughter or his favorite cat, and he’d tear up. It was sad and hard to watch. It was clear he wasn’t ready for my questions. To hear them or to answer them. By the time I decided that, he had mentioned my shoes and polish a few times. I mentioned that we’d been there a bit long and said we should go somewhere else; he said he had to go feed an out of town friend’s animals. Puhleease. He went for an opening just as he walked me to the car. I got in and he held the door open. He mentioned the shoes again and then asked if I was wearing panties. I responded by telling him he might find out but then there were those poor unfed pets. His posture changed, he patted me on the back goodbye, and shut the door. Whew. Crisis averted. Oh yeah, I did get my bracelet.
Back when sparky and I ended things, I realized I’d left my favorite silver hoops on his headboard and emailed him a few days after that last dinner to ask him about them. He had them but was leaving for vacation; asked me to lunch when he returned. We finally made plans earlier this week for lunch yesterday. I told him to call me Thursday to set a time. He did and talked to me for an hour and twenty minutes. I did a lot of the talking but he actually asked me questions. This is something he didn’t do much of when we were dating. We got into a discussion about chastity and he got all hot and bothered. I knew because his voice changes and he gets all breathy when he has a hard on. Before going to bed later Thursday night I checked my profile for the maid position to reply to some responders, and saw that sparky had been by my profile. Hrrmm. We met at a closeby mexican restaurant; I had been stuck in traffic so he was there ahead of me. And had obviously seated himself so that I could face the door- he does read this blog. He had also taken the liberty of ordering me tea. I don’t really like restaurant tea, but it was a very nice gesture. We had a nice lunch, caught up on things. It seemed like he wanted to say or ask something but was having a hard time doing so. We were talking about one of my brothers, the golden child; whose super power is luck and who is also a bit holier than thou. I told sparky that when he gets too big for his britches I just ‘accidentally’ send him a link to thinks like penis sounds. That led to sparky telling me more about his kind experiences and feelings about it than I could get out of him in nine months of having him in my bed. I’m beginning to think it’s this restaurant- it’s the same one he brought his CBT to to have me lock him up at. After about two hours I had to be rather direct about ending the lunch and told him I’d meet him outside, where I had one of his sweatshirts in my car. He went to the men’s room, I sat on the bench outside for a smoke and picked up the Chronicle for a quick read of the letters to the editor. He snuck up and sat down close next to me looking like he was about to spit it out.
“Yes?” I turned to him.
He stomped his foot slightly and pursed his lips. “It was nice talking with you last night”
And then he quickly kissed me on the lips. I told him that I agreed and he could call anytime he felt like it. It was nice. Just nice. I walked him to my car to get his shirt, we joked a bit about him wearing it in the 100 degree heat, he said it again.
“It was really nice having lunch with you”
“Yes. We can do it again.”
Another kiss. I told him goodbye and drove off.
So um. Yeah. That’s my tale of luches with the exes. One moment of weakness averted, one revealed.
(I will try and be nice and go through and cross link all the old posts this one refers to sometime soon for you newer readers- but you can always use the search function at the bottom of the page.)
Meet the maids
Posted on July 11, 2008
Filed Under Uncategorized | 3 Comments
I’ve been talking with respondents to my personal ad for a service maid. As I alluded to a while back I’ve had some interesting applicants and have whittled it down to a few. I’m conducting interviews over the next few weeks, and very much looking forward to starting training. At the moment there are three potential gentlemen I’m interested in. There’s a fourth who isn’t at all suited, but I’ve found intriguing anyway, I may talk about him later.
So, first up is eager-beaver.
We’ll call him eager for short. He is, well … eager; late 30’s, not a business professional. His profile photo is of him kneeling at a toilet, hooded, carrying a caddy of cleaning supplies. And he contacted me a day before leaving for a vacation; so, interested, I assumed I’d talk with him when he returned. That is, until I got the first three emails from his vacation in two days, filling me in on his hourly schedule of phone availability for the week in case I called. I told him to enjoy his vacation and we spoke on the phone for about an hour when he returned. He asked some very good questions:
- had I ever had an arrangement like this before (I answered no but with some caviats),
- was my motivation more (a)taking the load of tasks off of my plate or (b) to train/dominate (I answered about 35% (a) and about 65% (b)),
- what should he do if outside working (my ad specified yard work) and a neighbor approached (I told him we’d address this in training),
- and if I had specific ways I wanted tasks done- i.e. would he be under heavy supervision and held to high standards of service (I answered yes and gave some examples).
He explained that he was looking for a stricter dynamic than he’d found in D/s relationships with lovers, and was interested in the no-nonsense way I described the position in my ad. But he is allergic to cats, and I have three.
We scheduled a lunch last week early in the day, and I unfortunately had to cancel, having stayed up until 5 am working on an ‘emergency’ for a client. He wanted to reschedule right away but the rest of the week was bad for me and he had to leave for the weekend, so we set up for Monday. Over the weekend my plans to go to Dallas to pick up my daughter were changed; my stepdad and his partner decided to drive her here on Monday. They were supposed to be arriving around 3 or 4 in the afternoon so I kept the plans, but had to cancel again when they called from Waco around 10 am Monday morning- about 2 hours away. He was very pushy on the phone about trying for later that evening, or how he could make it easier for me to meet him; and I told him I’d have to call the next morning and let him know my schedule after finding out my dad’s plans. My stepdad usually comes in the afternoon, stays for dinner, and leaves the next morning without visiting. But this time he came over Tuesday morning for several hours and I wasn’t able to call eager until after lunchtime. By which time he had sent several emails all morning saying he was ready to meet by 11, or 1:30 at the latest. Of course, we hadn’t made plans to meet. I emailed him and reminded him of this and he replied that he’d wait to hear from me. Which he will, today.
Next is the gambler.
This gentleman was the first to answer my ad. He is, in his ‘real’ life, an alpha male, in a professional industry, early 50’s. Very intelligent and respectful, we’ve shared some excellent conversation already about art; and we have much in common, single parenthood, recent failed relationships. He has had a similar arrangement in the past, with a lesbian domme; and seeks my position out of a need to fulfill his submissive needs while not seeking a full time position, as his personal life precludes this option for now. Our calendars have not yet matched, and there are some circumstances that may not work best. He gambles for fun, and I have experience with gamblers…not good experience; I find that they often play gambling games away from the tables, often unknowingly…and I’m not sure I want that sort of challenge. He is not a masochist, so my pain play would only be punishment and likely not go as far as I would want. 
And he doesn’t live here. He claims he would be able to commit to traveling the few hour trip here once a week to perform his duties, and is self employed and able to do so. That might work for me, but I want the freedom to be able to change plans if I have an appointment come up, and am concerned that his distance would limit my use of him. I have the feeling we might get along famously as friends, and I feel conflicted about that because I don’t want it to hamper my training and style of dominating.
He wanted to meet just after a trip to Vegas in the last few weeks but when I spoke to him on the phone there was a note of gamesmanship in his voice that I didn’t like. Further investigation revealed he was at a gambling competition for several days. After some reflection I decided that this wasn’t the state of mind I wanted to interview him in; in my experience ‘Vegas’ tends to stay with you for a few days when you come home the way your clothes smell like smoke after a night at the bar. And as much fun as a Vegas mindset is, it’s not the mental frame of mind to broach training with. So we’ve agreed to meet another time.
Lastly, the mimbo.
The mimbo is muscle bound and um … a typical bodybuilder type. Living closest to me, he is attractive and has maid experience, although his descriptions of it mainly involve how he was feminized, not actual service. His emails remind me of a high school boy’s-short words and sentences, a few too many explanation points; he’s so far mainly talked about his bodybuilding and being put in frilly clothes. Pretty and trainable. We haven’t talked much, he just contacted me a few days ago; but I do think this boy will probably best fit my requirements. I plan to meet with him over the weekend.
So far the mimbo presents the fewest possible conflicts; the only one so far being his unavailability during the weekday. I can probably work around that as my daughter is finally going to be driving herself around in a few months and is developing a fairly active social life. He is a masochist, single and able to withstand markings, not allergic to cats; his personality reminds me of an eager to please puppy. Plus, he’s definitely a mimbo (male bimbo). They are so fun and easy.
So, those are the applicants so far. I have plans with at least one of them over the weekend for an initial meeting and interview. At the moment, I’m leaning towards the mimbo maid; I think that would make me happiest with the fewest complications. My second choice, I think, would be the gambler; depending on his personality in person. I feel as if there might be some personality conflicts with eager that would make me irritated with him off the bat, in a bad way. Considering availability options between my two top choices, I may end up taking on two; the gambler for daytime regular cleaning service, and the mimbo for short notice tasks throughout the week.
I plan to have each one over for a trial cleaning day after agreeable interviews, and to make my final decision then; but I’m interested in the opinions of outside observers. So, tell me…who’s your favorite?
Something more exciting…belated
Posted on July 10, 2008
Filed Under Uncategorized | 6 Comments
Well guys and gals, server moves are not all fun and games. I upgraded to a VPS finally, and uh, yeah….am now in Apache memory hell. So, bring on your link love gently. If I go down, I’ll go down. Whatever.
I told saratoga I’d post something more exciting before he let his viewers know my site was indeed working. Thing is, the most exciting thing to happen to me in the last 7 days is that my daughter came home from an out of town visit, and I finally got my server’s memory usage below 80%. Woohooo! Sexy, exciting stuff, huh?
So what’s a busy geek girl to do?
Pictures. Enjoy.
Another infrequent posting cycle…
Posted on July 6, 2008
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Blogs are fun for plenty of reasons. Useful too. If you maintain one long enough it can help you discover cyclical events, habits, health problems.
Enter so many recent events/cycles….with p. (yeah, uh…I know), with parents, with finances, with the kid, with love and maid interests. That I can’t really blog about because, another cycle is here…my yearly neck muscle spasm. I’m going to try and catch it before it gets too bad, and take a muscle relaxer and go to bed today, then get in for a good massage tomorrow. I was working on a post discussing my maid interviewees when my face and arm started to go alternately numb/into a deep burn…and decided I will have to finish in a day or two.
I’m mainly posting this here because as a result I may not be online for a few days more- leading to one of my infrequent posting cycles, and I’m doing some big time geek stuff for work that can’t be stopped. I have to limit my computer use when this flares up, and can only limit so much since it’s my job….so my personal sites suffer unfortunately.
If any of you see something amis (here, or for those of you who know some of my other domains, there too), please do me the biggest favor and shoot me an email at your preferred address- if there’s a problem, probably the off-domain ones would be best- yahoo or gmail. These make a nice loud sound when they arrive in my inbox (yes, you can get yahoo and gmail delivered to your mail client, er…some mail clients), and will alert me, rather than me running in to the office every 5 minutes to ping and ping again. Yes. I have a domain monitor that works quite well. I figure the more emails arriving with that noise in my inbox, the better chance of me being woken up from the muscle relaxer nap. Thanks.